Confidence helps us stand up for ourselves, ask for help when needed, tackle difficult tasks, and pursue our dreams. Many of us want to help our children become more confident. And one of our favorite ways to do that is to give advice. But here’s who might really benefit from advice… the person giving it. (That’s you, not your child.)
Consider this – when someone asks you for advice, you usually feel knowledgeable, valued, and well,… confident. What about when you’re on the receiving end? Unless you asked for the advice, you probably won’t feel any more confident afterward. It’s true that you may gain more knowledge (if you paid attention) but whether you’ll use the advice or not for positive change and growth is another matter.
“…in giving advice, we might be inadvertently conveying to people that we don’t think they can succeed on their own…”
Katy Milkman, How to Change: The Science of Getting from Where You Are to Where You Want to Be
Ever think of it that way?
Parents DO need to offer instruction for many tasks – from the early years of brushing teeth through doing schoolwork to driving a car and beyond – but they may not need to offer quite so much advice. Which is super hard. I mean, you’ve been around for a lot more years than your children. Don’t you think they should benefit from your wisdom?
Believe me, I get it. You want to help your child navigate through all of life’s challenges and changes. What better way than sharing all the knowledge you’ve accumulated over the years?
If you could just take all that you’ve learned and hand it to them. Except that might not be the best way. Instead, helping them develop confidence may be a better way to help them move forward successfully through it all.
In How to Change, Milkman’s list of the obstacles we face when tackling change includes a lack of confidence. She identifies self-doubt as a true obstacle to change. Of note to parents is her analysis of the relationship between advice and confidence.
“How to Change” is not written specifically for parents. Included in this post are my thoughts on how parents and homeschoolers might apply the research findings and analyses that Milkman presents.
It’s worth looking at how much advice you really need to give. Sure, there are some things you need to tell your children for safety and general knowledge. And then, could you switch things around?
Can you give your child the role of advisor? Ask them what they think they should do. Or a similar question might be, “If a friend/sibling was struggling with this, what would you tell them to do?”
You can also ask them to advise and mentor others. A couple of examples:
- If your child is struggling with Algebra, your first thought might not be to have them help a younger sibling or friend with division. But why not? It would remind them of their previous competence in math and might inspire them to push forward.
- If you see your child struggling with friendships, ask them for help with yours. You don’t have to replicate their concerns with their friends (e.g. “How do I stop Michelle from stealing my legos?”). But maybe asking them something like, “I really hate it when Michelle cancels last minute on me all the time. What do you think I should do?” would give them an opportunity to problem-solve relationship issues without a personal investment.
Giving people unsolicited advice can undermine their confidence. But asking them to give advice builds confidence and helps them think through strategies for acheiving their goals. Giving advice can also help us act, beause it can feel hypocritical not to do the things we advise other people to do.
Milkman, How to Change: The Science of Getting from Where You Are to Where You Want to Be
It’s okay to advise. Just do it sparingly. Think about who really benefits – usually the person giving the advice. It follows that you should encourage your child to give advice and develop confidence. This confidence will help them through all that they encounter and all that they dream of doing.
In her book, Milkman also promotes Carol Dweck’s work on developing a growth mindset. I absolutely love this concept and have written several posts about it, including this one.