No matter what they do after high school, our homeschool students tend to continue in a forward and upward trajectory. With individualized education and supportive parents, they skew towards expectations of ‘exceptional’. And so our conversations with them rarely revolve around the value of ordinary. The importance of average.
Average has gotten a bad rap, with an underlying implication of ‘not good enough’. But there’s a lot to be said for average. Most all of us are, in fact, average. Sure, we might be really good at a couple of things. But otherwise, we’re pretty ordinary. And yet, in spite of our overwhelming average-ness, most of us describe ourselves as happy. It’s worth conveying that to our children.
Exceptional v. Ordinary
An Ordinary Age: Finding Your Way in a World that Expects Exceptional looks at what it’s like to be a 20-something in today’s world. Social media pressures aside, author Rainesford Stauffer looks at the further issues of wage stagnation, student debt, perfectionism, and the inflated costs of living. Her writing is shored up with research and peppered with stories from others in their 20s. The book arose from her own struggles.
It had never occurred to me that some of… the false starts and self-doubt and everything coming with a side of chaos, was normal. And since these markers of what it means to be an extraordinary young adult were never a reality for all, anyway, I wondered why the averageness of coming of age wasn’t talked about as much as achieving your wildest dreams.
Rainesford Stauffer, An Ordinary Age: Finding Your Way in a World that Expects Exceptional
Disheartening? Not really. As a parent, I see it more as a reminder for balance. Balance in our expectations and in our conversations. It’s not about asking your child to settle for ‘less than’, it’s about reminding them that ordinary, average, and good are sometimes all it takes for a joy filled life.
Yes, you want them to set goals and move forward. But you want them to like and value themselves, regardless of how they measure up against traditional benchmarks of success.
If you’re constantly trying to change or better yourself, it leaves little room to actually get to know yourself at all – to find that goodness and worthiness don’t find you after you’ve fixed yourself first.
Stauffer, An Ordinary Age
The ages of 18 to 29 are often viewed as a time of immense freedom with the potential for great personal and professional growth. Stauffer’s book suggests that perhaps you can help your children temper the expectations of society with an appreciation for the ordinary. An appreciation of the parts of our life that make them whole – a sense of home, community, and self-worth – can give them a foundation when reality doesn’t measure up to their expectations.
Achievement v. Identity
Stauffer works to separate achievement and identity. To distinguish between what you accomplish and who you really are. She also writes insightfully about the self-care movement and the thin line between tending to your needs and improving yourself. Self-care is not necessarily engaging in bullet journaling, exercise, or even meditation. It might be watching Netflix, getting errands done, or… doing nothing at all.
Her writing called to mind a young woman I recently saw with huge elaborate tattoos on both forearms, one proclaiming ‘ambition’ and the other ‘hustle’. Imagine looking at those words every single day of your life! If I could, I’d remove at least one and replace it with ‘relax’, ‘enjoy’, or ‘be myself’.
A Lifelong Appreciation for Ordinary
As I read An Ordinary Age, it struck me that the struggles Stauffer describes aren’t solely reserved for 20-somethings. The difference is that as we age, we become better equipped to handle them. Still, her words are a good reminder for all of us.
“…our best lives will be the ones that feel truest to us – not to the ideal of what we should be, but to this, right now, right here: our ordinary selves, savored.”
Stauffer, An Ordinary Age
There’s no shame in wanting the best for your child. And even having high expectations for yourself. Just remember the tremendous value of ordinary.
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